I'm Trans, Apparently

[CAD97]

Yeah, I know, big surprise: the openly queer/GNC 20-something they/them programmer who primarily works with Rust, a language infamous for being queer-accepting with a "draconian" CoC that asks you to respect the other people in the community, turns out to be trans. But hey, it was news to me, somehow.

So, hi; my name is Crystal. But it's also still CAD or CAD97, and it's also still Christopher to an extent. I still prefer the neutral they/them for professional environments, although that's slipping more towards the mixed she/they for people I have a closer relationship to.

For a simple answer to the gender question, I'm still answering as nonbinary. But for those who know the labels, I would choose the descriptor transfem enby demigirl, but also somewhat fluid towards agender. And I'm perhaps overly fond of transbian as a label despite being a gray-ace demiro hopeless idiot.

What this means to you

Hopefully, not much. Whatever the display name of the account I'm using is, that's the one you should be using to refer to me, obviously. And online I'm CAD or CAD97 basically everywhere that doesn't have a “real name” policy. That probably won't be changing. The picture will, though, when I eventually get around to it.

Also, it takes a while to inform the various disparate wings of the internet about a name change. If you see someplace where I haven't changed my name that seems like I might care about it, if you want to, please privately message me. (If you don't already know how to do so, you're not someone I would like to message me this way, sorry.)

The name “Christopher” is also encoded immutably into a suprising number of git registries at this point. If a mailmap already exists, I'll appreciate a remap to “Crystal.” If the system isn't already set up to support such renames, don't worry about it, as I don't mind all that much in the end. The name isn't as dead to me as trans deadnames can often be for some people.

At least for now. Who knows how I'll feel about this in another five years.

What this means to me

A surprising amount, actually. I'll try to cover some of it, without getting too much into the personal weeds, because having openly trans experiences to look up to is an important resource for gender questioning individuals.

The largest difference is also the hardest to qualify: an ambient cloud of subtle dysphoria no longer has its outsized impact on me. I've gone from tolerating life to actually liking myself in just a couple months of being my true self.

The most amusing part to me is how I managed to convince myself for five years that I was non-binary but not trans. That somehow because I was able to pass acceptably well as a cis white guy meant that I didn't deserve to label myself as being trans.

I know now that I was lying to myself. When I finally gave in to the persistent nag in the back of my mind, I found that being trans, and being transfem at that, just felt more right than the alternative. I had never thought of myself as being dysphoric, but now that I had seen the other side, it was finally laid out clearly to me in a way I had to accept.

Emotion doesn't have to be logical, and it's okay that I don't have an objective reason to be trans. Gender's a fundamentally subjective experience, and mine just happened to fall into this little place I now call home.

Nothing's changing — I'm still me, and always will be — and yet everything is changing — each week I find new ways of being more me than I ever was before. May everyone find their personal gender euphoria, no matter their background.