chuckfacts

"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
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"Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" was originally written as Chuck Norris' theme song.
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"Sweating bullets" is literally what happens when Chuck Norris gets too hot.
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'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.
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182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year.
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1:Heart disease
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2:Chuck Norris
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3:Cancer
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4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.
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70% of a human's weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris' weight is his dick.
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A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
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A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
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A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.
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A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
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A man once claimed Chuck Norris kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
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A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay's potato chips, saying "Betcha can't eat just one!" Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.
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A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.
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A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.
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A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are:
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A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.
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According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
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According to the Bible, God created the universe in six days. Before that, Chuck Norris created God by snapping his fingers.
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After returning from World War 2 unscathed, Bob Dole was congratulated by Chuck Norris with a handshake. The rest is history.
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After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
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Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.
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All roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by the transitive property, a roundhouse kick to the face.
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Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
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Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.
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Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"
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As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."
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As a teen, Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
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As an infant, Chuck Norris' parents gave him a toy hammer. He gave the world Stonehenge.
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Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
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Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
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Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
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Chuck Norris CAN in fact 'raise the roof'. And he can do it with one hand.
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Chuck Norris actually built the stairway to heaven.
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Chuck Norris actually owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile takeover.
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Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
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Chuck Norris and Justin Bieber once had a singing contest, the loser had to never hit puberty.
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Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
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Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.
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Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.
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Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
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Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.
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Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
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Chuck Norris built the hospital he was born in.
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Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse kicks the Playstation back to Japan.
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Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
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Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter
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Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
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Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.
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Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle
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Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.
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Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.
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Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.
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Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time.
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Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
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Chuck Norris can light a fire by rubbing two ice-cubes together.
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Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
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Chuck Norris can sharpen a lightsaber
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Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes.
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Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
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Chuck Norris can taste lies.
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Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
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Chuck Norris can whistle in five different languages, including sign language
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Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
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Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question... just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.
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Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.
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Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
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Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.
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Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
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Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.
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Chuck Norris describes human beings as "a sociable holder for blood and guts".
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Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
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Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.
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Chuck Norris did not "lose" his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.
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Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn't built up the courage to tell him yet.
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Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
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Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.
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Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.
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Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
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Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.
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Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
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Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions.
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Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.
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Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
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Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls.
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Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
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Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
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Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
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Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.
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Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
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Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
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Chuck Norris doesn't believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and smothers it in pig's blood.
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Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
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Chuck Norris doesn't chew gum. Chuck Norris chews tin foil.
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Chuck Norris doesn't daydream. He's too busy giving other people nightmares.
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Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet, he scares the sh*t out of it
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Chuck Norris doesn't go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.
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Chuck Norris doesn't have blood. He is filled with magma.
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Chuck Norris doesn't kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris kills all birds, with two stones. The ones in his pants.
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Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street... he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.
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Chuck Norris doesn't own a can opener, he just chews through the can.
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Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.
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Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
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Chuck Norris doesn't say "who's your daddy", because he knows the answer.
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Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.
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Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.
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Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.
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Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
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Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
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Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
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Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.
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Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
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Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
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Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.
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Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for not complimenting him on his balloon animal.
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Chuck Norris finished the Never Ending Story.
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Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.
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Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
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Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.
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Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
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Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
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Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life.
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Chuck Norris has banned rainbows from the state of North Dakota.
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Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
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Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as "acts of God."
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Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?
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Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.
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Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
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Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.
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Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ.
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Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
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Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet.
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Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
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Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
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Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.
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Chuck Norris invented the internet? just so he had a place to store his porn.
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Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
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Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists.
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Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
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Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
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Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.
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Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.
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Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever the fuck he wants.
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Chuck Norris is not Irish. His hair is soaked in the blood of his victims.
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Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.
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Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.
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Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
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Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
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Chuck Norris is the only known mammal in history to have an opposable thumb. On his penis.
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Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.
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Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.
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Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.
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Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot -- and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets.
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Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
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Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you're thinking to yourself, "But Chuck Norris isn't black", then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.
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Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure.
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Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
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Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that" because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever.
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Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - Except for the definition of mercy.
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Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.
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Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.
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Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.
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Chuck Norris made a Happy Meal cry.
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Chuck Norris needs a monkeywrench and a blowtorch to masturbate.
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Chuck Norris neither melts in your mouth nor in your hand. He shreds your trachea before ravaging your soul with a combination of chocolate, whickey, roundhouse kicks and death. Oh, and pain. Lots of pain.
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Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.
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Chuck Norris never has to wax his skis because they're always slick with blood.
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Chuck Norris never loses at dodgeball because the ball wants to dodge Chuck Norris.
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Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
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Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
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Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
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Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.
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Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
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Chuck Norris once created a flamethrower by urinating into a lighter.
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Chuck Norris once got bit by a rattle snake........ After three days of pain and agony ..................the rattle snake died
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Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms off and one of his legs. He then roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing him instantly, and proceeded to sow his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing wire.
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Chuck Norris once had sex with a cigarette machine in the Osaka airport.
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Chuck Norris once invited all of the other badasses from TV to duke it out in order to see who was the supreme badass. Only two showed up-- Jack Bauer and MacGyver.
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Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
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Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by yelling at it in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich.
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Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
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Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.
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Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.
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Chuck Norris once rode a bull, and nine months later it had a calf.
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Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower.
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Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
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Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels.
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Chuck Norris once shat blood - the blood of 11,940 natives he had killed and eaten.
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Chuck Norris once skewered a man with the Eiffel tower.
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Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.
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Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
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Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi truck's gas tank as a joke....that truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
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Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
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Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.
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Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
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Chuck Norris originally wrote the first dictionary. The definition for each word is as follows - A swift roundhouse kick to the face.
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Chuck Norris owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout the southwest. They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream and Hot Pockets.
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Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
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Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.
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Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.
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Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he fucking kills people.
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Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.
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Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
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Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
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Chuck Norris runs on batteries. Specifically, Die Hards.
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Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
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Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.
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Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
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Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef.
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Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
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Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.
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Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people, then the grenade exploded.
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Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy.
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Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper.
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Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
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Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine.
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Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.
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Chuck Norris was in all 6 Star Wars movies............... As The Force.
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Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
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Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head.
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Chuck Norris was once stabbed by a knife, the knife bled to death.
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Chuck Norris was once struck by lightning...Thats why lightning never strikes the same place twice...because Chuck Norris is looking for it...
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Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
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Chuck Norris was the orginal sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed the entire project using only a bottle opener and a drywall trowel.
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Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about.
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Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
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Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave things the way you found em!"
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Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
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Chuck Norris wipes his ass with chain mail and sandpaper.
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Chuck Norris won at connect four....On the opponents turn...
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Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.
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Chuck Norris' Penis is a third degree blackbelt, and an honorable 32nd-degree mason.
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Chuck Norris' Roundhouse kick is so powerful, that on the set of Sidekicks he single-footedly destroyed Jonathan Brandis' Career.
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Chuck Norris' blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It is compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets.
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Chuck Norris' credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.
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Chuck Norris' dick is so big, it has it's own dick, and that dick is still bigger than yours.
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Chuck Norris' favorite cereal is Kellogg's Nails 'N' Gravel.
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Chuck Norris' favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.
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Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.
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Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
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Chuck Norris' house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
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Chuck Norris' penis has a Hemi.
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Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale.
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Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
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Chuck Norris' sperm can be seen with the naked eye. Each one is the size of a quarter.
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Chuck Norris' sperm is so badass, he had sex with Nicole Kidman, and 7 months later she prematurely gave birth to a Ford Excursion.
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Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
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Chuck Norris' testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny white ninjas that recognize only one mission: seek and destroy.
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Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run.
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Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.
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Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
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Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
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Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
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Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you...Fourty seven times.
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Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience
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Diamonds are not, despite popular belief, carbon. They are, in fact, Chuck Norris fecal matter. This was proven a recently, when scientific analysis revealed what appeared to be Jean-Claude Van Damme bone fragments inside the Hope Diamond.
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Divide Chuck Norris by zero and you will in fact get one........one bad-ass motherfucker that is.
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Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn't like Fudge Ripple.
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During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured. For torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds.
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Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he's roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die.
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Every time someone uses the word "intense", Chuck Norris always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
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Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.
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Everything King Midas touches turnes to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead.
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Fact: Chuck Norris doesn't consider it sex if the woman survives.
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Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."
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Fear of spiders is aracnaphobia, fear of tight spaces is chlaustraphobia, fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic
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For Chuck Norris, every street is "one way". HIS WAY.
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For Spring Break '05, Chuck Norris drove to Madagascar, riding a chariot pulled by two electric eels.
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For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more "Missing in Action" sequels, and that war will have never actually existed.
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For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.
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For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
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For undercover police work, Chuck Norris pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
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Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will beat his ass and take it.
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Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.
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Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
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Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for "Chuck Norris' basement".
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Guns are warned not to play with Chuck Norris.
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He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.
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He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris ? dies.
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Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
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How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.
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How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
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Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.
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If Chuck Norris had performed in 300, the film would be called 1.
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If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris' misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.
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If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
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If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.
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If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Yes. Chuck Norris hears it. Chuck Norris can hear everything. Chuck Norris can hear the shrieking terror in your soul.
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If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
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If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
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If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
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If you add Chuck Norris to your friends list, all your other friends will instantly dissapear. You don't need them anymore.
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If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
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If you rate this 5 roundhouse kicks, then Chuck Norris WILL roundhouse kick Justin Bieber's ass.
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If you rearrange the letters in "Chuck Norris", they also spell "Crush Rock In". The words "with his fists" are understood.
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If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
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If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?
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If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
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If you're driving down the road and you think Chuck Norris just cut you off, you better thank your lucky stars it wasn't the other way around.
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If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
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In 1990, Chuck Norris founded the non-profit organization "Kick Drugs Out of America". If the organization's name were "Roundhouse Kick Drugs out of America", there wouldn't be any drugs in the Western Hemisphere. Anywhere.
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In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
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In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of American women lost their virginity to Chuck Norris. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly.
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In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.
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In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.
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In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
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In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be "Norrisized".
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In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked inthe face by Chuck Norris.
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In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character.
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In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
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In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
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In the medical community, death is referred to as "Chuck Norris Disease"
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In the movie "The Matrix", Chuck Norris is the Matrix. If you pay close attention in the green "falling code" scenes, you can make out the faint texture of his beard.
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Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.
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Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and brands his cattle.
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It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.
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It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
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It is said that every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten. Every time God masturbates, Chuck Norris kills a lion.
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It is said that looking into Chuck Norris' eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody's future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.
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It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.
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It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
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It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
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It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin.
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Jack Bauer tried to use his detailed knowledge of torture techniques, but to no avail: Chuck Norris thrives on pain. Chuck Norris then ripped off Jack Bauer's arm and beat him to death with it. Game, set, match.
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James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
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Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris' ass. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.
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Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.
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July 4th is Independence day. And the day Chuck Norris was born. Coincidence? i think not.
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Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn't kill women.
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Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.
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Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get.
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Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
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Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
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Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris does.
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MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.
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MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart.
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Maslow's theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.
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Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful.
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Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him "a promising Rookie".
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Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck Norris."
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Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's fucking head off.
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Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
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Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will bite your damn eyes off.
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Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
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Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.
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Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.
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Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
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Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
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Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.
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On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
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On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
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One day Chuck Norris walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
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One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio.
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One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris ate a percussionist.
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Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.
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Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
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Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
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Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.
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President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.
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Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that consciousness is explained by the relation between two levels of mental states in which a higher-order mental state takes another mental state. If you mention this to Chuck Norris, expect an explosive roundhouse kick to the face for spouting too much fancy-talk.
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Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb?
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Remember The Ultimate Warrior? He quit wrestling because Chuck Norris wanted his nickname back.
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Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
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Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight.
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Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.
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Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.
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Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
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Scotty in Star Trek often says "Ye cannae change the laws of physics." This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.
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Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
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Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.�
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Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.
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Some magicans can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim through land.
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Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.
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Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
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Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
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Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
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Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.
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TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion.
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That's not Chuck Norris doing push-ups -- that's Chuck Norris moving the Earth away from the path of a deadly asteroid.
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The 11th commandment is "Thou shalt not piss off Chuck Norris" This commandment is rarely enforced, as it is impossible to accomplish.
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The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was an exhibition game vs. Chuck Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck Norris won with a roundhouse-kick to the face in overtime.
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The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
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The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends"
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The Drummer for Def Leppard's only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher.
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The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Chuck Norris.
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The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.
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The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. They didn't even come close.
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The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris.
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The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.
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The air around Chuck Norris is always a balmy 78 degrees.
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The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
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The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.
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The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.
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The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
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The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.
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The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris' age is to cut him in half and count the rings.
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The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
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The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.
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The only sure things are Death and Taxes?and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.
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The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he made a mistake
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The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron's ass halfway through the first chapter.
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The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris.
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The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
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The original title for Star Wars was "Skywalker: Texas Ranger". Starring Chuck Norris.
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The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.
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The phrase 'balls to the wall' was originally conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar.
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The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.
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The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.
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The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
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The pie scene in "American Pie" is based on a dare Chuck Norris took when he was younger. However, in Chuck Norris' case, the "pie" was the molten crater of an active volcano.
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The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
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The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.
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The term "Cleveland Steamer" got its name from Chuck Norris, when he took a dump while visiting the Rock and Roll Hall of fame and buried northern Ohio under a glacier of fecal matter.
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The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!
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The word 'Kill' was invented by Chuck Norris. Other words were 'Die', 'Beer', and 'What'.
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There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
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There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
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There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
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There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
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There are now five cup sizes at Starbucks: Short, Tall, Grande, Venti, and Chuck Norris.
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There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris.
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There are two types of people in the world... people that suck, and Chuck Norris.
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There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.
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There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
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There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
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There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris.
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There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
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There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
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There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
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There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
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There's an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris.... Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.
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They had to edit the first ending of 'Lone Wolf McQuade' after Chuck Norris kicked David Carradine's ass, then proceeded to barbecue and eat him.
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They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take shit from anybody.
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They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem: It wouldn't take shit from anybody.
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They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat. Every single one of them.
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They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be "Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick."
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Think of a hot woman. Chuck Norris did her.
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Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.
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To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.
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Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.
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Too late, asshole.
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Two wrongs don't make a right. Unless you're Chuck Norris. Then two wrongs make a roundhouse kick to the face.
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Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.
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We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
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What many people dont know is Chuck Norris is the founder of planned parenthood. Not even unborn children can escape his wrath.
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When Alexander Bell invented the telephone he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris
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When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help.
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When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
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When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
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When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
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When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
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When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
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When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
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When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.
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When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.
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When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.
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When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes.
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When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
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When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
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When Chuck Norris says "More cowbell", he fucking MEANS it.
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When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
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When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.
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When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.
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When Chuck Norris was born, he immediately had sex with the first nurse he saw. He was her first. She was his third. That afternoon.
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When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
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When Chuck Norris works out on the Total Gym, the Total Gym feels like it's been raped.
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When Chuck crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.
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When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say 'please'."
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When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.
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When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
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When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
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When in a bar, you can order a drink called a "Chuck Norris". It is also known as a "Bloody Mary", if your name happens to be Mary.
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When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.
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When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
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When the movie Pulp Fiction was filmed they had to borrow Chuck Norris's wallet... It's the one that says "Bad Mother Fucker" on it
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When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it out alive.
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When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.
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When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
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While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
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Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out... and then roundhouse kicked them through an Oldsmobile.
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Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in Chuck Norris's kindergarten class.
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Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
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With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
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You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.