An essay on female sexuality and love for the ForeverAlone, especially ForeverAlone/incel men. Before writing this I wrote this post.
Anyway, despite my dating struggles, I have had sex with some women in life, and I tried to experiment with a man before, and I noticed a pattern. Men do not need to love someone (or have any sort of love-based attachment to them) to fuck them. Gay men on Grindr will post sexy or nude photos of themselves without their faces visible in any of the photos, get matches, and then meet their matches at their residence and have sex with them, absolutely no love (or love-based attachment) required. Women will literally never do that for free. Yes, prostitutes exist, but they will never do it for free. I read what they write on r/AskAnEscort and even the total sluts say the actual sex part is their least favorite part of the job and they would rather be hanging out with or talking to their clients, like in a longer pre-booked session, and spend less time actually getting fucked by people who they don't love. If a woman who used to have sexual intercourse with a guy stops loving him (or having any sort of love-based attachment to him), the sexual intercourse stops too, even if she's feeling horny or sexually frustrated because no sex has happened in months but they still share a large bed (which is something that sometimes happens to married couples who are going to divorce, see this female stand-up comedy skit). This female psychologist explains the "no sex without love or love-based attachment" concept better: https://www.reddit.com/r/TikTokCringe/s/hrcjBbqW6S
I’m going to go on a little diversion and then come back to the previous point. They say “Men cheat to stay in the relationship, women cheat to leave”. There are articles about that quote here and here. There is a little bit of misogyny in that phrase because sometimes the man doesn’t cheat to stay, sometimes the man cheats because he’s an asshole, and sometimes the woman doesn’t cheat to leave, sometimes the woman cheats because she’s a nymphomaniac who is seeking a feeling of connection, like with someone who she has feelings for, but it’s just a stereotype that I’m going to relate to in two stories before I come back to what I was talking about in the previous sentence.
In the first story, I was 22 and was sort of platonically (no sex, just intimate making out after dates) dating a woman named “Kristian”, who was also 22. I didn’t find her sexually attractive (at this point I was swiping right on and chatting up every single woman on every dating app regardless of whether they were sexually attractive to me or not, I really lowered my standards over time). I’m going to sound like an asshole saying this, but she was Black, obese, and poor, with poor divorced parents in a poor neighborhood, and I prefer women who are White (or at least not Black), regular weight, and come from money. I am White (Middle Eastern) and I find obese Black women less sexually attractive, and also when a woman comes from money I want to be with her more (this second part isn’t necessarily sexual, I guess I just see more benefit in dating her). I never fell madly or obsessively in love with Kristian (if I did I probably would have showed her my true personality early and she wouldn’t have dated me), and I didn’t find her sexually attractive, but I was attracted to her in an affection or “love in my heart feeling” kind of way. I liked going on long walks in the park with her. I felt something, like a heart feeling, when we were together, maybe hugging or kissing or sitting together on a bench in the park cuddling. That was what I was seeing her for—for the love feeling that I felt inside my heart. That intimacy feeling that brings about a sense of calm and happiness. But the relationship wasn’t really sexual. I distinguish sexual attraction (which is more of an “I want to fuck you” feeling and can manifest, at least for me, as a sort of pull from my head or eyes towards parts of her body like her boobs or ass), from romantic or affectional attraction, which for me is more of an affection or heart feeling and is more like what I had for Kristian. Anyway, I was dating Kristian for the love, for the romantic or affectional attraction, for the love in my heart and intimacy feeling, I wasn’t dating her because I wanted to fuck her. That being said, at university, I saw (a couple of times) this hot woman who I did want to fuck, and I approached her, like while she was walking carrying some books or at the gym, and I struck up a conversation with her. Nothing ever happened and it was just a normal conversation, like a “Hi, I’m John, what’s your name?” and “I’m walking to English class, what class are you walking to?” kind of a thing, but I wouldn’t have talked to her if I didn’t want to fuck her. Note that I had no romantic or affectional attraction for this girl the way I did for Kristian, it was purely sexual. Anyway, one day (after we had been seeing each other for a few months) Kristian asked what I did today, and I casually said “I went to the gym and I talked to this hot chick who I saw there” (I might have said "I hit on this hot chick who I saw there", I don't remember my exact words), and to be honest I thought maybe she would be a little annoyed but I didn’t think it would really matter because my relationship with Kristian was romantic or affectional attraction and my interest in this other person was purely lust based and I didn’t see any overlap or competition in my head at all between the two relationships, but Kristian reacted like I just slapped her. She was so hurt. Up until that point I felt like I could calmly tell her anything and she wouldn’t freak out, and I wasn’t expecting the extent of her reaction. Again, I didn’t expect her to be like “Good for you, go get that pussy that I’m not giving you!”, I just didn’t think it was that big of a deal, but she called it “cheating” and was really hurt. I guess I’m the asshole (I’m a sort of low empathy, low sympathy, narcissistic/sociopathic kind of person, but unlike a lot of people with that sort of personality I tell the truth). But anyway, Kristian never did want me to fuck her, and our relationship never progressed all the way to that point; the furthest it got was her giving me a blowjob and then it went downhill fast from there (note if a woman wants to give you a blowjob she is sexually attracted to you, lesbian women do not want to give blowjobs). The point is that with Kristian I cheated (or at least tried to cheat) because I wanted to stay in the relationship despite her never having sex with me, again, as the phrase goes “men cheat to stay in the relationship, women cheat to leave”.
Okay, second story. When I was 18, in university, there was this 22-year-old woman who I caught feelings for, I fell in sexual love/lust with her. I liked her, and she liked me too. Her name was “Anna”, spelled the same as my mom's name (which made her name super easy for me to remember, I am usually really bad at remembering names). She loved me so much that one time while hugging me, with her arms around my waist, she sort of yelled or screamed “I love you!!!”, but when she did that I sort of leaned away from her and went “Umm…” (I barely knew her at this point, but she wanted to have sex with me). For Anna I didn’t have that romantic or affectional attraction that I had for Kristian, though. Like with Anna I would say it was more “in love” and with Kristian it was more “love” in sort of like an intimate friend way without falling in obsessive love, if that makes any sense. I was more sexually attracted to Anna than I was to Kristian. Anyway, Anna and I are both sort of big-ego, kind of narcissistic/sociopathic kind of people. Even though I wasn’t that attracted to Anna in a romantic or affectional attraction kind of way, I guess that gap was filled by her being older than me (I want a relationship with people who are older than me more than I want a relationship with people who are younger than me) and me respecting her (she was a top student and her dad was a distinguished professor at the university we went to). Also we agreed a lot politically, and she was really into disability stuff and I have a psychiatric disability that I talked about with her and that she connected with me over (she had one too). We liked each other basically, and she was like “I love you!!!” initially. She’s also really sexually impulsive (she also had a traumatic brain injury which I guess added to the impulsive part of her personality), and if we were cuddling or something and I had a boner she would grab my dick with both hands and try to pull me inside her, no condom (she had an IUD), and I would be like “Oh no, what if you give me an STD”, and push her away and grab a condom and put it on. Note that even though she was sexually impulsive and promiscuous, and she had sex with like 30 different guys in college, she generally only had sex with 1 guy at a time. She would sort of “short-term relationship boyfriend hop”, where she would like a guy, start having sex with him and only him regularly, then that would sort of fade and she would sort of leave or cheat and then be with another guy exclusively and so on. In general straight women don’t want to get fucked by a bunch of different guys at the same time, even if they are promiscuous like Anna.
Anyway, Anna and I would fight a lot. One time I said something like “this other girl at my school who was on the cover of a swimsuit magazine is much hotter than you” (which I still to this day believe is true), and her ego was bruised and she went off on me about how that other girl has more generic features that you see everywhere in magazines while she has more pronounced, unique features that make her appearance special, and that I’ve been brainwashed by the media into liking a certain look that I see on say the cover of Sports Illustrated or something like that. She was mad at me, but I guess my reaction was more like “Facts are facts—you’re no perfect 10”. Not that it mattered, it’s not like that perfect 10 looking woman was going to have sex with me ever anyway. Anyway, the relationship was very short (less than a month in length), and eventually she hooked up with another guy who she knew before and had feelings for while visiting back home for a week, and also she stopped letting me put my dick in her. Before she left for India for six months she gave me one last conciliatory blowjob but wouldn’t let me put it in (I intentionally made the blowjob last a really long time because I wanted to put it in but she kept not letting me and eventually I finally finished), and then she flew away and I didn’t see her for a long, long time. Anyway, the point is that Anna cheated (successfully, the other guy ended up inside her) because she wanted to leave me; as the phrase goes “men cheat to stay in the relationship, women cheat to leave”, and this second story refers to the second part of that quote. Also while Anna and I were fucking every other day in the beginning and I had feelings for her I didn't look elsewhere, if that is relevant (maybe if Kristian and I were fucking every other day I wouldn't have hit on the hot woman at the gym, but Kristian never wanted me to fuck her).
Anyway, what do these two straight/heterosexual women who I had two very different relationships have in common? Well they both didn’t want me to put my dick in them when they didn’t love me anymore. This is true for all women. Unless they’re being paid like a prostitute (who will never have sex with you for free—prostitutes don’t actually want to have sex with you, that is the least enjoyable part of their job for them), the answer to the question “Can I put my dick in you?” is “No”. Again, like I wrote before, if a woman who used to have sexual intercourse with a guy stops loving him, the sexual intercourse stops too, even if she's feeling horny or sexually frustrated because no sex has happened in months but they still share a large bed together (which is something that sometimes happens to married couples who are going to divorce, see this Jen Kirkman skit).
Anyway, in that situation maybe she [the woman who is ceasing to love him] will give him a last conciliatory blowjob if she likes him or wants him to remember her well (which is what Anna did to me), but if she doesn't love him she will not let him put it in. Kristian didn’t go any farther than giving me a blowjob either even though she felt really, really aroused (reminds me of what that stand-up comedian Jen Kirkman said in the link, “it was like I was trying to sit on fire hydrants [that were shooting water up]”). Simply put, if a woman does not love a guy at all, she will not let him put it in her, end of story; how sexually attractive he is or how aroused her genitals are really doesn’t matter. Well maybe if she is really, really black-out drunk and he's like the fraternity president or something but I mean if she is totally sober, rational, and informed she will say "No" to him putting it in her 100% of the time. Yes, drunk hookups exist, but in a lot of cases the next day that guy will want to fuck her again but she's sober and the "Yes" changes to a "No" and she would basically have to rape herself with his dick for it to happen. Simply put, rational, sober women do not want to get fucked by guys who they don't love. If she does not love you at all, it's not going in, and you'd be lucky to get a conciliatory blowjob (which again is something that happened to me as my ex-friend-with-benefits Anna was leaving me).
A lot of guys ask "Why do women not want me to fuck them?" They think "Maybe I'm not sexually attractive enough, I need to be more sexually attractive as a male". They think this because the thing that makes them want to fuck women is how sexually attractive a woman is, so they assume what makes women want them to put it in is how sexually attractive he is. No. If she does not love you at all, how nice your muscles look in the mirror while flexing or lifting weights or how well your groomed facial hair accentuates your broad male jawline does not matter—she will not let you fuck her. Maybe if you’re a new person she will let you talk to her, but you are not going in her with just sexual attractiveness without that romantic or affectional attraction love stuff that I talked about before (that I had with Kristian). You might get a right swipe on a dating app or a glance from across the gym, but that's just the beginning of a longer process. It is not a "Yes, I want you to fuck me, you can put it in now". Again, she has to love you for that to happen. Maybe she's a slut and falls in love really fast and has low standards, but if she does not love you at all, it's an automatic "No" to that. This is true for 100% of women (assuming she is not a prostitute who is being paid). But yeah, if a woman does not love you at all and she is not being paid, she is not letting you put it in, end of story. So yeah, even though r/ForeverAlone people may not be the most sexually attractive people, in general the problem for ForeverAlone people isn’t a matter of lack of sexual attractiveness, but lack of love. If a lot of people really know you and really love you and not just in a superficial way but actually love your true personality, if you lower your standards someone will eventually partner up with you. Like me personally, I know I have a shit personality—once people really get to know me, like in private and from reading my egocentric, unpleasant-to-read Facebook statuses (where there are sentences in there like “I've been so bored and lonely lately”) and from seeing how I rudely and disrespectfully talk to my parents, they realize that I have a shit personality and leave me. I have no sympathy/empathy, like a woman will ask me something like “What do you think of my math?” and I will reply “I honestly think you’re not smart and you should focus on becoming like a dishwasher at a restaurant or something instead of trying to get a PhD after you’ve flunked out of high school and failed to get your GED three times in a row” (which is basically something I texted to a girl before). Like it’s not like I can’t imagine cognitively what I would feel if I were in their situation (I would probably feel bad), it’s just that I don’t care about other people’s feelings—making them feel positive emotions does not cause me to feel positive emotion. My Facebook statuses are depressing as hell to read and eventually people get sick of them and unfriend me. The problem is that eventually other people, women included, don’t love me anymore; the problem isn’t a lack of sexual attractiveness, but a lack of love.
So, here's the golden question: How do you make someone love you? What differentiates the guys who women love, the guys who women want as a boyfriend, from the guys women do not love? What is the difference between the Chads (please excuse my incel language) and the ForeverAlone men?
Well, let me start with what is not the answer. Again, it is not sexual attractiveness. How tall you are or how big your muscles are or how nice your broad jawline looks may get you a right swipe on Tinder or an indication of interest, but that is just the beginning of a longer process. If you are friends with her female friend and your female friend introduces you to her, that starts the process the same as if she looked at you from across a gym and you walked up to her and introduced yourself. Unlike sexual attractiveness, which is instant ("Oooh, he's so tall and muscular, and his jawline is broad and sexy, ooh, such man!") love (like the affectionate romantic kind of love) is something that needs to be built. What makes a guy a Chad (again, sorry for the incel speak) is not sexual attractiveness but lovability and what makes a guy a ForeverAlone is not being lovable. People seem to like me initially (that is true for a lot of narcissistic/sociopathic people), but once they really get to know me, like in private for a while and from reading my Facebook statuses, they do not love me anymore, and eventually they leave me and never come back. Some people are good at lying (I’m not a big liar), but in general lying is not sustainable long-term; eventually certain things stop making sense (ex. he said he loves me and he took my grandma grocery shopping, but over the phone he called my grandma an imbecile to another person which I overheard and also I found out he fucked my best friend when she was drunk). At some point she goes “This guy is an asshole” and stops letting him fuck her and/or she leaves him and never comes back. For women those two things are tightly linked. Again, as I wrote before, “men cheat to stay in the relationship, women cheat to leave”. Women will also have sex with a guy to sort of “posses” him. For example there is this line in the Garfunkel and Oates song “The Loophole” that goes “Because the Bible says premarital sex is wrong, but Jason says that guys can’t wait that long. I don’t want to lose him [this guy I’m dating in Christian high school] to someone who’ll do him, I need to figure something out. Well there’s a loophole in the scripture [let your Christian high school boyfriend inside your asshole i.e. anal sex]”. But yeah, the joke in that song is that conservatives use bullshit logic to justify what they really want, and in this case what the girl in Christian high school really wants is for her boyfriend [who she loves] to be inside her. In she didn’t love him at all, it would be an automatic “No”, there would be no bullshit logic about “Well somebody else told me that the Bible tells me” shit.
Before I go to the next part, I want to digress a little bit. Although they are rare, male escorts who service female clients exist (there are a handful of them in Australia, where prostitution is legal). Most of them handle mostly male clients, but a small number of them cater to female clients. Now, what is the difference between a straight man who hires a female prostitute and a straight woman who hires a male prostitute, like in Australia? Well typically a male seeking a female prostitute will browse for a few minutes, pick one (often without even seeing her face), and then meet her with a guarantee that sex will happen. A straight woman on the other hand will interact with the male prostitute on social media, like on Twitter, for months before booking him, and will typically walk into the first booking with no certainty that sexual intercourse will happen. Maybe he's hot and friendly and she wants to learn how to give a better blowjob by using him as practice, but she has to love him for her to let him put it in (it's pretty common for penetration to not happen when a straight woman books a male escort). Typically when men book a prostitute they book for one hour (sometimes as short as a half hour), but when women book they usually book for longer periods of time, 2-4 hours is more typical, and sometimes they even do 8. Like maybe a woman who books a male escort will do dinner with him and then have him give her blowjob lessons and then maybe it will escalate to penetration from there. That’s sort of like the maraschino cherry on top of the ice cream cone—an optional, decorative bonus. Typically male prostitutes will do a lot of social media, interact with everyone, and even write blog posts, and typically women who are interested in booking a male prostitute will go through all of his stuff and read his posts and stuff and like him before booking—they will never book a guy without ever seeing his face like some men do. I watched a little bit of an interview with an Australian male escort at https://www.instagram.com/p/CCV0jfLgqZt/ and I noticed how confidently smiling and laughing he is, and how he makes her laugh and feel positive emotions, like a sort of friendship. He is attractive, and not just in a physical way, but in an interpersonal way as well. He shares his passions and relates them to her [often females who are looking for a male escort will like his personality online first, and he says the right things], and she feels positive emotions. She is excited to see him, like she says “I really enjoyed this conversation”. That’s super important—he’s not a bummer the way a lot of ForeverAlone people are. He confidently says the right things like “Don’t disconnect from the woman with XBox—go down on her box instead”. He doesn’t say shit like “You’re not a perfect 10” or “I’m going to be honest—you’re not very smart” the way I do. He says stuff that makes them “like a giggling school girl”. I mean yeah he’s not ugly, but he doesn’t super stick out visually either. Lots of male models are much more better looking than this male escort guy.
But yeah, women book for personality. It’s not just physical, it’s mental. I had this piano teacher who spent a short time on one dating app, the dating app Zoosk (which my opinion is the shittiest dating app), and he reeled into marriage a woman who said she wasn’t even looking for that, and they are still married to this day. If she died he could get another easily. Me on the other hand, I was on 5 different dating apps for 10 years looking for marriage and absolutely no woman who got to know me wanted me to be her boyfriend, much less her husband.
Let’s compare his social media with my social media. This is a screenshot of a post from his social media: https://imgur.com/a/59WpdN6 . All his social media is like that; it’s all smiling, friendly, welcoming, sometimes exciting, and it elicits positive emotions in people who see it. My social media on the other hand looks like this: https://imgur.com/a/rB8CSXN . It’s just all these long depressing rants that get basically no likes or hearts. I basically used Facebook as my therapist that I prayed into. Nobody enjoyed reading that shit; it bummed them out. It’s not that I didn’t know it bummed them out; I just didn’t care. My personality sucks. But yeah, if you subscribe to r/ForeverAlone and scroll through the links it’s depressing. It’s not like something that piano teacher guy I know would ever post.
But yeah, in short, that’s the biggest difference between a Chad (again, sorry for the incel language) and a ForeverAlone. It’s not hotness or sexual attraction; it’s mainly a personality thing. Getting plastic surgery or leg lengthening surgery is not going to make women go "I want you to fuck me now".
One thing that I think is telling about the sexual difference between men and women is in their fetishes. For example, foot fetishes (for small cute hands and feet) are relatively common in men and super rare in women. Biological females naturally have small hands and feet relative to their body size. You can often "catch" a trans woman by paying attention to the size of her hands and forearms relative to everything else. It's a physical, biological thing. On the other hand, DDLG (Daddy Dom/Little Girl) is a relatively common fetish in women but rare in men. DDLG is a type of BDSM relationship where one person is the caregiver or “Daddy” and the other is childlike or the “Little”. The DDLG dynamic involves a consensual power exchange, with the Daddy taking on a protective, nurturing role and the Little exploring a more vulnerable, childlike state (source: https://medium.com/@DDLGWorld/understanding-ddlg-a-comprehensive-guide-73fa7fa952e4 ). Note that it's relatively common for a female to call her casual sex partner "Daddy" (i.e. "Sex Daddy" or even "Sugar Daddy"), where she is the "baby" (or in the latter case "Sugar Baby"), but it is relatively rare for a male to call his casual sex partner "Mommy". You never see situations where a dude is like "This is my Sugar Mommy, she pays my rent and buys me gifts". The man is the one that gives the love and care (or in some cases substitutes money in place of real love and care) and the woman is the one who responds by wanting him inside her. The instigation of love induces the response of "I want you inside me". That is the fundamental difference between male and female sexuality. One is based more on biology and the other is based more on love/care.
I knew one girl on Reddit who had a DDLG fetish. She liked acting like a spoiled little girl. "Daddy, buy me a lollipop!!! Daddy, this doll house isn't good enough, get me the other doll house!!! Daddy, put it in now, I want cock now!!!" I'm just giving an example, I wasn't the guy in a relationship with her. But yeah, if a guy was like “Mommy, I want vagina now!!! Spread your legs now mommy!!!” that totally wouldn't work. That's not something guys do, if they did she would be dry as a desert.
TL;DR: The reason she doesn't want you inside her is because she doesn't love you enough, not because you're too short or your muscles are too small or your jawline is not pronounced enough; fixing that won't make you cease to be a ForeverAlone. Female sexuality, her wanting you inside her, is based more on romantic or affectional attraction than sexual attraction while male sexuality is more the other way around. Male sexuality is more biological/physical and female sexuality is more based on affection/love/emotional attraction.